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donate money. [Aug. 18th, 2007|07:01 pm]
[Current Location |your mom.]
[mood |blankblank]
[music |thrash unreal - against me!]

i went to VA for my nephew's birthday party and my other nephew's christening.. and i took lots of pictures.. on a film camera.. and no one in my family has enough money to get them developed... annnd i really wanna get them developed to see how they came out.. soooo
give me money.
i accept personal checks and cash donations. 

in other news i went to hampton with kevy last night and it was THE BESSSST. 
im not in a story telling mood so ill leave it at that.

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just kinda talking... or typing. or whatever. [May. 29th, 2007|11:16 pm]
[Current Location |downstairs]
[mood |stressedstressed]
[music |meggers fucking meowing like shes going to die if she doesnt go outside]

sometimes i wish my life was a movie, because then people could watch it and tell me what to do. you know when you watch a tv show or a movie and you know what the main character should do? you know what descision is the best... whether they should stay or go, who they should chose to love, or how they should handle a situation in general.
yea well..
i wish someone could explain everything to me right now. i dont know what i have in front of me. i dont want to make wrong descisions and fuck myself over by missing whats right in front of my face. i dont want to be lied to. i dont want to make the same mistakes again. i dont know who to trust, and what to trust them with. i dont want the past to repeat iteself. i hate not having control. i cant tell people what to do and the fact that they can do what they want when they want really makes me sick. uneasy sick. 
i want a pack of ciggarettes. but no one else wants me to. so i dont know if i should do whats good for me or if i should just say fuck it and avoid a complete fucking panic attack by indulging in a nicotine addiction. 
i want a lot of things actually. and the funny thing is, i cant have any of them. the descision whether or not im going to get them is in someone elses hands. fuck that, i want to have even an ounce of control over my own fucking life. but i dont. 
actually thats a lie. everything i want is in someone elses hands, everything i need is right here with me. but theres a point where i can look at those things i want and debate that theyre a necessity. i suppose it depends on one's priorities. i dont even know mine. i thought i did, but ive proven myself wrong enough times that i have to re-evaluate.
i would really like to avoid starting old habits back up, and i really dont think i have the heart to... but sometimes i feel like life would be so much easier if i did. especially since i wouldnt have to worry about any of this shit.
on a really emo note, 
im out.

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yeeea [May. 18th, 2007|09:51 pm]
[Current Location |downstairs]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |whos line]

so i havent posted in a very long time.
and to be completely honest, its becuase i never feel like it. i dont really feel like it now, but i figured id let every know i didnt die. 
except no one reads this anyways...

today was beach day. we stayed for an hour, huddled around dunkins which was completely packed from the second the buses opened their doors to the second they closed them. a few guys stripped down as they were runnign towards the water and actually went it. then i was really upset at myself for not wearing, or even bringing my suit. so i took my shoes off and ran towards the water just to feel it... but the sand was so cold i got halfway there and was just like "FUCK this" and ran back. then i got an iced coffee.
so after everyone was rain soaked and freezing we got back on the bus and drove to the movies and saw shrek the third. it was good. there were a lot of adult references though, i dont even think it would be funny to kids...
so basically the whole senior class was packed into the movie theater and we scared quite a few parents and children away... but we were all really good, no one talked and no one was obnoxious. then we went home. 
then i got a rodeo burger. DELICIOUS. then i dropped xtina off then continued on to quizznos to hang out with kevin and mike and chris. and later matt and sarah joined into the mix too.
went to petsmart with kevin and maggy. she couldnt handle the tile floor and did like 30 face plants. it was a good time.
yea. ok.
that was boring. 

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or something. [Feb. 8th, 2007|07:24 pm]
[Current Location |next to an empty pudding cup.]
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[music |fairly odd parents <3]

sooo i havent updated in forever and a day. if i had to guesstimate....

im really just procrastinating because i have a huuuuge journal to write on the book 1984 for my senior research paper and i dont wanna do it bc it hs to be 3000 words long and i would really just rather eat. for hours on end. 
so in response to two journal entries ago... not only did i fill out bc of the birthcontrol but im growing love handles.... WHY the fat is going there and not places like OVER MY RIBS which you can still see if i stretch confuses me. so yea... i have my beetlejuice pants and so does andy so he wanted to trade be his pants are 10x tighter than mine so i was like 'ok' and i put em on and they looked all hott and sexy on me... except for my MASSIVE love handles spilling out the sides. sooo i gave him his pants back and explained i looked fat in them. he thought it was silly. 
SO now im in current issues and id like to start off by saying that half of the kids in that class are 3 IQ points away from being legally retarded... so when we do debates they say things that should be illegal theyre so stupid. and theres this one kid... who suprisingly enough didnt piss me off today bc he read from facts and didnt add his own opinion... who is SO ugly and talks over everyone else and i want to SHIT ON HIS FAAACE. he's like a neverending source of anger... just looking at him makes me want to punch him in the face. before i shit on it of course, to avoid a mess. and then theres matt who isnt stupid, infact hes just the opposite.. and he always outsmarts me and ive never met anyone who could do that in a debate and its terrible. but to make me feel better i verbally annihilate everyone else that argues with me. 
oh and target is pulling another routine screwover. but of course im not quitting bc i like abusive relationships.... to make a looong story short... i want 20-25 hours a week and they give me 4. i get a paycheck for 61.65 (which is two weeks of work i get paid biweekly). i go in and tell them its bull and i want more hours. simone tells me its bc i narrowed my hours when my new avail. HADNT even been entered (and i only narrowed it by an hour bc i get out of school and hour later. idiots.). SO they cut my hours to 1/5 of what i wanted WITHOUT any reasoning. WHAT THE FUCK. and then to get more hours i said i would work in food ave. BAD descision. i hear its gunna suck. sooo then... on top of not entering my new avail... they LOST it... so if i get schedualed at 2pm instead of 3pm... and i cant work that hour bc of school.... im going to kill... everyone. or something. 
k i have a headache so im going to eat.
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i like how its all bands an such [Dec. 19th, 2006|12:06 am]
[Current Location |downsturrs]
[mood |creativecreative]
[music |tv]

On the twelfth day of Christmas, authrityisdead sent to me...
Twelve subhumans drumming
Eleven sunsets thinking
Ten hoodies a-cuddling
Nine cookies coloring
Eight twizzlers a-partying
Seven f-minus a-sleeping
Six shows a-frosting
Five co-o-o-oloring books
Four spinney hugs
Three friday nights
Two horror movies
...and a summer in a flogging molly.
Get your own Twelve Days:
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too personal? no such thing. [Oct. 5th, 2006|09:58 pm]
[Current Location |next to my camera]
[mood |determinedheadache]
[music |transplants - gangsters and thugs]

so lets start off with yahoo. 
WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!?!?! first my radio station wont play and neither will my music videos... and windows media player ISNT cutting it these days so yahoo is my life... EXCEPT WE DEFFINATLY BROKE UP. yahoo and i are through. well almost ill still use him for email. WHICH is going shitty because it wont let me make attachments wich is pretty much the only feature of email i use. COOOOOL. 
so to sum that paragraph up... i want to kick yahoo in the jaw. 

next we will be discussing mrs. covino. again. so she gives us thirty pounds of busy work which was all bullshit, then the sub was kinda a ho... so that class just put me in a shitty mood. senior english makes me want to.... cry or something. 

yea, so now im on birth control and ive had the worst mood swings in my life. like... i was on the edge for a month. someone could say something to someone eles... something that wouldnt concern me... and i would want to cry. example: 
girl: "oh i got a new puppy last night"
other girl: "oh wow! what kind is it?"
me: *eyes watering.*

like who the fuck crys over that stuff? me when im PMSing. so basically the first month was just and extended period of PMSing. which of course had a bit of a backlash on poor phillypoo. sorry poops. 
then the other day some guy was road rageing at me and it wasnt my fault and i started bawling and my mom was like "WTF MATE?!?!" because he basically got on my butt and then looked all angry and waving his hands at me when i looked in my rearview mirror.... and it got me SO upset. so i flipped out and started telling him (since he could hear me) how it WASNT MY FAULT  that he decided to get up next to me on a one lane turn and then try to fit into a lil break between cars the SAME time i did, when i had the right of way over him. then i cryed. it was embarrasing. 
thats why im posting it online. 

uhm... oh yea so this birth control made me gain weight so im not anorexic-looking anymore. my titties got bigger... round of applause please. nothing substantial but im pretty proud. i actually grew thighs and a lil bit of a butt so now my jeans FIT. holy shit, i thought it was never possible. AND you can barely see my ribs now. well you cant see my ribs... unless i stretch... but its ok!! but i dont think im any less boney which is somewhat of a dissapointment. 

sooooo... i hate target. well i hate hardlines and all the teamleads over there. well except for kerri and angela. but kerri gets stressed easy and i think angela does too. which is bad because when other ppl stress... i stress 10x more. and i hate jason... he is SUCH a fuckin tool. 
but softlines does my justice however i never get put over there. which is SOOOO depressing. but when i do get put over there... i jump for joy and dance and im probably more happy at that moment then any other point in my day. unless i get to see the poops. then its second happiest. 

so basically no one read any further than that fist sentence on the work paragraph (if anyone reads it at all) and its ok bc im sure you wouldnt care. 

uhm.... i like phils house for dinner. they make good food. and NEVER have leftovers for dinner. holy shit thats unheard of at my house. and theres always good desserts and wow. excellent food. 

and phil. excellent boy. i like him an awful lot. and we're so cute. and we picked apples and made an apple pie completely from scratch... even the crust. and it was reaaaallll good. and we always do cute date stuff and i love it. and napping is terribly fullfilling with him. and we always have sooo much fun no matter wha t we're doing and :)

ok so my head hurts enough to make me go to bed now.
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wtf... whered everybody go?? [Sep. 24th, 2006|11:28 pm]
[Current Location |in phils hat.]
[mood |blahblah]

so like... i never feel like talking....
but now i do.


so i figure ill talk to this journal.

lets start with....

thats about it. 

next ill be discussing school.
well i suppose its only english and i suppose its only becase of covino. now shes one of those cool as a person, bitch ho as a teacher. she is honest to god THE most bipolar person ive ever dealt with. her patience lasts 3 seconds max and right after she FLIPS OUT shes completely perky again. its very stressful for me. 
and beowulf....
when a
book is written like 
a poem and all of
the lines are fucked 
up and there is no proper 
punctuation and everything 
is very bleh! it makes
it very hard for me to 
plus, they use all of this 
old english and stuff. well i suppose
its not really old english but the wording is very
and they repeat
things like a million times over.

thats the whole fucking book... all in verse like that. its so hard to read. and sdfkasdfklksj!!!! the college essay unit is finally over. so i dont wanna kill myself as bad... but this beowulf buisness is awfully sucky.

yupp, thats all.

oh... and i really cant figure out with the bee costume is too slutty.

but yea, right after i typed "so like... i never feel like talking....
but now i do.

and NO ONE WANTS TO TALK TO ME. WTF>!>!>!????"

two ppl IMed me. 
wtf, am i ever NOT proven wrong??
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so... i should really be doing hw.. however... [Sep. 7th, 2006|10:57 pm]
[Current Location |surrounded by homework.]
[mood |pessimisticpessimistic]
[music |my grandma fucking blasting the tv because shes deaf]

so then i realize that i need to have my shit done in dec.
i need a finished portfolio, essays (wtf, i might as well kill myself because between the daily english essays, honors level womens studies and application needs ill prolly have written liiiiiiiiike.... 40 essays by the end of dec. and i haaaaaaaaate essays.) a decent GPA, and somewhere around $40,000. 
portfolio is do-able.
essays are unfortunatly going to have to be do-able.
a decent GPA.... well, im working on it.
applications also cost fifty fucking dollars. that means im paying $50 to be REJECTED. i feel like thats a waste. now if i spend $150 on three applications for three schools and i get accepted to all three... well good for me, but $100 has still been wasted. now i cant just apply to one school because if i dont get in then.... im fucked. basically. sooo ill be wasting money either way.
since its quite obvious that you need to be a millionair (which im deffinatly not) to get into college, i asked my parents how much they had set aside for me... ya know, what kind of budget we're looking at. apparently that budget is $0. now at first.... i thought that they were trying to say go where ever you want...moneys not an issue... nope. they were saying i have no money set aside. NOTHING. the little i have in bonds and stuff from my aunt wont even cover half of my freshman year's tuition apparently. 
so. college looks like its more of an idealist place. 
i dunno what other options i have though. 
and plus, if i dont go to school, ill be disowned and we cant have that, now can we?

so im trying to really bust my ass so i can really have an amazing application to turn in... and im pretty sure my parents dont believe i can get my GPA up to a 3.5+ or that i should go to art school. 
like, i know alot of people have shitty parents and stuff and i really do love mine, and they support me on alot... but when it comes to stuff that really matters and i NEED the support, i never feel like theyre behind me on it. like they say they are but i never feel that they mean it. 

so... i have no idea what i want to do with my life.
i dunno where i wanna go.
but im not letting myself stay trapped in NH because i dont have the money. 
id rather be homeless NY than stuck in nuetral here.

how the fuck am i supposed to pay of upwards of $160,000 in loans?
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yeahi. [Sep. 1st, 2006|01:35 am]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[music |none]

so i havent updated in a while.

guess ill fill you in.

lets start with my birthday. or lack thereof.
thanks to everyone who took the time to send me a message and times that by a thousand for those who bothered to call. 

my mom didnt know it was my birthday until her phone reminded her. i dont think my dad even knows my birthday. 
i was in virginia so i didnt get to see my friends or family (well except for my mom and my perfect brother who is obviously the perfect child and im suprised they didnt dedicate my birthday to him. and his wife who i love and their child. who is the fattest ball of joy to ever enter my life) 
so my day whent like this:
woke up.
waited to get my brothers old car that he got rid of and gave to me ('98 acura integra... POWER WINDOWS AND LOCKS, cd player, sunroof... might as well have rims cause that thing is PIMP)... (wait i forgot... its a standard and i cant drive a standard and knowing my parents and their motivation i wont be learning to drive a standard until ....never. im doing it myself. classes start tomorrow)..... to get an oil change. and im pretty sure every guy was drooling over me at the garage just for the simple fact that i have a vagina. they were also idiots there... i felt i could have done it myself without as much trouble as they put us through. 
went back to kens and then my mom made me wash the car. my birthday, my present... i get to wash it. cool, i love laboring in 95 degree weather on my birthday. 
OH THENNN we went and got it washed. so basically all my work went to waste. but not really bc those mexican immigrants werent working very hard. 
home again. dinner. cake. ice cream cake. wich is ok i suppose but i prefer CAKE CAKE to the max. 
maybe im being ungrateful, maybe they werent considering it was supposed to be my day. not like it has been for the past three years though considering my moms just kind of overlooked it in planning our vacation to visit the favorite child. 
no presents after cake. just the car. my mom bought a sweater for my and was like "ok this is your bday present and nothing eles."  yea, she wasnt kidding. she didnt wrap it and pretend like i didnt see it either. :(
poopy gave me flowers and a necklace he made from shells when we went to the beach, and a cookie cake. which was the best.
lauras mom made me a purse and got me some lotion. 

nothing from my friends. nothing from my dad. my lil brother (Who i suppose doesnt count) or my grandma.
my aunt (whos RIIIIICH, much like perfect brother) gave me $300. which went to school shopping and bills. i know my aunt would kill me for spendign it on something practical too, since i know she wanted to me go buy myself something nice. not like i bought too much while school shopping though... and she gave me a tiffany bracelet that she had but didnt particularly like. 
thats 2 presents that were given to me out of convenience and 2 homemade presents and four presents that were bought. 

the birthday "parties"  i planned fell to shit bc everyone was busy. so my party of 4 was cut to one plus her mom and my mom. my other party of 4 was cut to one plus my mom. 
i dont feel older. 
at least it wasnt like my sweet 16 or some other monumental birthday... however that one wasnt a whole lot better. i did get at least a cards from ppl that year... only got one of those this year, from my aunt. though thats kinda an obligation since its through mail haha.  

meh. i guess i wont do the birthday thing from now on, it works itself into a bigger and bigger void and its inreasingly harder to handle. 

so then there was school. 
its ok, good teachers at least. pretty good ppl in my classes.

im getting off my meds so im having withdrawls. im constantly sweating and shivering... simultaneously. i also feel intoxicated and lightheaded. so work hasnt been that great.
two days of school and my eating habits have been cut in half.
hope i dont die of malnutrition by the end of the year.

this long weekends forcast: babysit, get wasted, work. 

gosh that was a negative nancy entry.
oh well, suck my dick.
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schedual [Jul. 20th, 2006|08:09 pm]
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |buck-o-nine - irish drinking song]

ok my schedual for senior year is as follows:

First Semester:
1Drawing with Pope

3Photography with Cirelli
Women's Studies with Hewitt
Portfolio with Wegman
7English with Covino

Second Semester
3Advanced Photography with Cirelli
5Painting with Pope
Walking for Wellness with Urda
English with Covino
8Current Issues with Peterson

I got it from powerschool so i dunno how accurate it is... you know how powerschool tends to ... fuck everything up ... but im pretty pleased. if i can get late arrival ill be one happy camper (not like it matters considering i wont show up either way). and all my teachers are cool. pope can get pretty sandy though.... and urda is actually going to make me walk. thats lame. x100000.

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